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The Inner Eaters System
Identify your natural weight
by balancing the parts of your personality that are involved in eating
by Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas
“This tastes so good. Why stop? Have some more.”
“How dare you waste food?! Don’t throw it out... eat it!”
“I want to eat, whatever I want to eat, and nobody can stop me.”
Sound familiar? How about these:
“What is wrong with you? Why can’t you eat like a normal person?”
“I have been bad last night. Starting today, I’ll be good, eat right and
exercise every day.”
Do you recognize any of these voices? Do you have others?
These are some of our inner eaters, the parts in one’s personality that eat
without awareness; these parts prevent us from reaching and maintaining
'natural weight'.
What is 'natural weight' and how is it determined? Natural weight is a state
in which one feels comfortable about one’s body image. One knows he or she
has arrived at this state because there is no daily struggle in maintaining
this weight. One reaches natural weight by reading and following the body’s
signals when eating. The challenge lies in deciphering who (which
part of the person) can sense and translate those signals. When the body is
fed more than it needs, who in the person does the overfeeding and why? In
other words, who is really eating the food?
The development of the Inner Eaters System was initially influenced by my
personal story of yo-yo dieting combined with three decades of experience as
a psychotherapist and work in the substance abuse field. It was further
enriched by the process of individuals participating in a program I have
developed called Dieting Know More. Another major source of inspiration has
been the theory of the internationally renowned psychologists and authors
Drs Hal and Sidra Stone called the Psychology of the Aware Ego and the
Selves.
The Inner Eaters System is composed of sub-personalities or inner selves in
our psyches that are involved exclusively with food and eating.
ICES
One group of inner selves uses
food as a tool for psychological comfort, protection, pleasure, or stress
release instead of for its nutritional value. These inner selves misuse food
by either over- or under-eating. This group is called the Inner Comfort
Eater Selves (ICES). When the ICES take over, the experience of food and
eating brings pure ecstasy and/or total escape followed by severe
self-criticism.
People who develop the ICES as a dominant part of their personality view
food as having a multi-purpose, the least of which is feeding the body.
Often they act in highly specialized ways, associating certain groups of
food with specific emotional needs. When the ICES take control of eating
decisions, they usually resist the rules set by other selves pertaining to
the time, place or manner of eating.
Usually people identify and name their own group of ICES. For example, an
individual might have The Secret Eater, a self who eats in secrecy whenever
nobody else is around. The same individual might have also developed The
Filling-the-Void Eater, a self who comes in whenever he or she is bored or
lonely.
The main gift that the ICES bring is the protection they offer from any
hurtful, overwhelming, and unpleasant emotions. They protect by blurring
these emotions through eating. They act as first responders and are
constantly on call. This group of inner eaters takes care of vulnerability
that a person may be unwilling or unable to handle directly.
The ICES are limited by the fact that they have no connection to the body,
especially to the stomach and taste buds. When the ICES are active, one eats
whether or not one is hungry and continues to eat after the stomach is full.
There is no tasting of the food; instead, a person will eat large quantities
of food very quickly. One of the most serious limitations of this way of
eating is that the ICES bring on inner critical attacks. These inner
critical voices enter after a meal or first thing the next morning. When one
tries on clothes in department stores, steps on a scale, or looks in the
mirror, he or she suffers attacks severe enough to cause depression. In an
effort to deal with the depression, a person will eat more, thus creating an
unending, vicious cycle.
NITES
Conversely, another group of selves uses food only for its nutritional
value. These selves are known as the Nutrition In-Tune Eater Selves (NITES).
When the NITES take control, one treats eating as a strict and serious
regimen, categorizes food as either good or bad, defines right and wrong
portions, and recognizes correct or incorrect food combinations at all
times. For example, one might have developed The Healthy Eater, a self who
eats only what is considered healthy and rarely buys any products without
reading the labels. For another individual, The Weight Watchers Eater might
have become dominant in his or her personality. This is a self who equates
food with points and who carefully counts every time he or she eats.
One of the NITES’ benefits is that they place food in perspective, and their
main function is to enable a person to lose weight. This is done by
following external cues, usually through prescribed diet plans and programs.
NITES are well-educated about the nutritional aspects of food as well as
different types of exercise and are extremely concerned with the
individual’s health. This group has strict rules, and following these rules
can bring concrete results. Identifying with the NITES might very well be
the only way for an individual to reach a natural weight, thus maintaining
one’s health and saving one’s life.
One of this group’s limitations is that it does not allow for any
flexibility in eating. Its rules resemble army commands that sometimes
exclude a person from eating entire food groups. NITES are constantly
mindful of when, how much, and what one should eat as well as how frequent
and intense an exercise regimen should be. They often require the person to
measure food, to specify how many meals should be eaten daily, and at what
times during the day one should eat them. This consumes a significant amount
of energy and removes the natural joy and pleasure that eating can provide.
The NITES have no connection to the body because a person is forced to
follow external cues at all times, at any cost.
When either the ICES or the NITES become dominant in one’s personality, the
body’s natural rhythms go unnoticed, the taste buds’ needs go unmet, and the
stomach’s signals remain undetected. Therefore, the cues as to when to begin
and when to stop eating are dictated by inner selves rather than by the
body’s physiological needs.
BITES
When one becomes available for a transformational shift, the two groups of
inner eaters are integrated and the body’s signals regarding eating are
consistently taken into consideration. This process is called Body In-Tune
Eating (BITE). One is ready for such a change when one gets tired of yo-yo
dieting and becomes determined to end the struggle with eating once and for
all. As one begins to use Body In-Tune Eating, one is able to enjoy and find
pleasure in food, making healthy nutritional choices while staying connected
with and tuning in to the body’s signals. One reaches this state by learning
to identify, understand and befriend their inner eater selves.
One way of getting to know one’s inner eater selves is through the Voice
Dialogue method. Voice Dialogue is a transformational tool with which one
dialogues with the different parts or selves residing in the psyche for
clarification and understanding of their function in one’s life.
When utilized with the Inner Eaters System, the goal of Voice Dialogue
facilitation is to empower one to separate from his or her dominant inner
eaters and to embrace the less dominant or disowned eaters on the opposite
side. Through this process the two sides are integrated, promoting more
choice and balance in one’s eating patterns. Vulnerability that used to be
buried by the inner eaters gradually surfaces and is handled with awareness
from a new 'middle place' in one’s personality called the Aware Ego process.
An example of a Voice Dialogue
facilitation
Following is a Voice Dialogue facilitation with Dina. (Her name has been
changed to honor anonymity.) I dialogued with one of her NITES she called
Healthy Choices Eater and with one of her ICES she named Rebellious Eater.
Her Rebellious Eater was born when she was nine years old. Dina was the
youngest of four. The only family member paying attention to her, making her
feel safe and included was her older sister who was 12 years older than
Dina. When Dina was nine, her sister moved out. Dina felt lost, abandoned
and unsafe. She started using food to deal with her feelings. She over-fed
herself and gained weight. The kids in school started making fun of her and
she felt humiliated. The more she felt humiliated, the more she ate. The
more weight she gained, the more they would make fun of her and so on. That
is when her Rebellious Eater was born. During our Voice Dialogue
facilitation I asked Dina to move on one side so I could speak to this self.
This is what the self had to say:
The Rebellious Eater:
“I am angry. I am rebellious and angry. I bite my nose to spite my face.
I don’t have any rules about food. Anything goes. I use food and I abuse
food. She gets to have what she wants with no rules. I can do whatever I
want. If I want to go to McDonalds, I go to McDonalds.
I am never satisfied. I want to have everything. I say, ‘I want something
sweet and salty and that's what I do’. There are no choices. No picking one
or the other because I can have everything.
I am angry because of judgments people put on me. To what my body looks like
I say ‘Too bad for you. I can get fat if I want. Too bad if you don’t like
it.’ I give her a hard shell because if someone hurts your feelings you say,
‘I don’t care’, but you really do but they don’t know it.
I protect her hurt feelings.
She was teased a lot about her weight when she was young. She was hurt. Then
I came in almost like a bully and soothed her with food. I would say to her,
‘Have some cookies.’
I can always nurture her with food, no matter how sad, angry or lonely she
feels. If she is alone I comfort her with food and that is why I give her
all those choices. She can have anything she wants. It is like saying, ‘I am
OK even if somebody thinks I am not OK’.
She always felt inferior when she was overweight. People made fun of her and
she was taken advantage of. I despise when she is submissive. When you are
overweight you are submissive to somebody who is not overweight.
She got picked on a lot in school.
One time she was coming home from school with a friend. The friend was
pretty and skinny. These kids walked behind them all the way and made fun of
her all the way. They sang this song:
'Fat and skinny went to bed.
Fat rolled over and skinny dropped dead.'
When I am around she feels strong. She doesn’t have to feel all that hurt.”
The Healthy Choices Eater was born in Dina’s late 20s after the end of a
love affair. At the time, she was so devastated and furious that the only
way to punish her ex-boyfriend, she thought, was through losing weight to
make him regret what he left. That’s when the Healthy Choices Eater came in.
She lost 33 lbs, kept it off for a year, but then ended up putting it back
on. During the same facilitation I asked Dina to move to the other side and
this is what the Healthy Choices Eater had to say:
The Healthy Choices Eater:
“I have many rules. First and foremost, you have to have a balanced diet.
You have to eat all good, healthy foods. I don’t agree with diets that
suggest taking out food groups.
Exercise.
Drink lots of water.
Meditate.
When she gets hungry, make a healthy choice like a fruit. If you are truly
hungry, feel your stomach to see if it is real hunger, a need to fill the
time, or for taste. If it is true hunger your body is smart enough to know
that you want real food. Then by making a healthy choice your body will
respond well and it will find its proper body weight.
I am the one who knows you have to live and food is part of life. It is
normal to enjoy food but without the guilt. I know it is OK to have a piece
of cake and not lose your mind.
Even though my mind knows you have to enjoy food yet when I hear someone
saying, ‘You can have a piece of cake’ it raises anxiety that gets me
terrified that I might lose control to the food. I know it is rational to
enjoy the food, but I get afraid that once she tastes it she will knock me
right out of the way. I'd rather have her stick to the healthy choices. Even
if I say it is normal to have a piece of cake now and then, there is someone
else in her who does not know that and she takes it as a green light to go
with it without stopping.
Sometimes someone is using me just for the sexual attraction of the body.
Even as I try to teach her that this is not what it is about, sometimes
someone else uses me for the body. I am much more than that.”
When Dina moved back to the middle space, in the Aware Ego process, she was
able to discern the gifts and limitations of this pair of opposites. She
identified how the Rebellious Eater is a hard shell protector shielding her
from hurt, sadness and loneliness. While in this self, she feels strong and
ready to take on the world. At the same time, however, she recognized that
since this self places no limitations or restrictions around food it can
make her sick through binging.
Conversely, the Healthy Choices Eater takes care of her need to have
self-control, enjoy a state of well-being, and enables her to lose weight
and feel attractive. This self takes good care of her, the way a mother
takes care of her child. However, the Healthy Choices Eater can be quite
restricting. Dina experienced this self as regimented and boring, never
allowing her to indulge in anything.
Through Voice Dialogue facilitations Dina separated from her Rebellious
Eater and began embracing her Healthy Choices Eater, enabling her to lose
and keep off the weight. Gradually the underlying feelings of abandonment
she experienced as a child began to resurface and she slowly learned to
handle them from this new place in her personality, the Aware Ego. As her
vulnerability appeared from under the inner eaters, it was new and quite
scary for her. With time and more Voice Dialogue facilitations, she has been
strengthening her ability to soothe and comfort past and present feelings of
loss and abandonment. Operating from the Aware Ego, she is holding the
tension between the ICES and NITES, controlling their tendency to rush to
her rescue through the only way they know how: over- or restricted-eating.
These days, when the inner eaters come in, she recognizes them faster,
dialogues with them, calming their concern about her safety, thus preventing
them from taking over for long periods of time. She is learning to utilize
their gifts, integrating them in her life. For example, when she puts on
unwanted pounds, she is aware that an Inner Comfort Eater Self has been
present. She looks for situations in her life where she has neglected
herself, not taken care of her needs or ignored her feelings. In this way,
this eater serves as an alarm system, making her pay attention to the state
of her emotional life. When she decides to lose those extra pounds, she is
learning to bring in the Healthy Choices Eater with awareness to guide her
to lose the weight. Through this ongoing process of vigilance,
self-responsibility and aware action, she is able to maintain her natural
weight and attend better to her vulnerability.
When one discovers his or her own inner eater selves and begins to read the
body’s physiological signals, one is empowered to make choices about eating
without regrets. When the ICES and NITES stop dominating how, when, and what
to eat, one can reach and maintain natural weight and minimize
self-criticism regarding body image. When engaging in Body In-Tune Eating,
one reaps the benefits of both types of inner eaters as they become
integrated and vulnerability can be handled directly in a more conscious
way. When the Inner Eaters System is balanced, one has a chance to break
free from the powerful and self-destructive attachment to eating while
developing a natural and pleasurable relationship with food.
© Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas, 2008
Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas, LCSW is a psychotherapist in New York maintaining
a three-decade practice of national and international clientele. She is the
creator of Dieting Know More, a program for natural weight maintenance. M.
Koumidou-Vlesmas is a Senior Voice Dialogue Facilitator and Teacher and has
studied directly with Drs Hal and Sidra Stone and is currently a member of
their senior staff. The Executive Director of the Koumidou Center, LLC,
Yolanda has developed and is leading retreats, workshops and training in
self-empowerment throughout the United States, Europe and Australia.
Contact Yolanda
Koumidou-Vlesmas directly at:
www.dietingknowmore.com
www.koumidoucenter.com
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